Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
buying dead houseplants to save time
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…