@Sickayduh: Christian epileptics don't appreciate when you tell them "Jesus is the reason for the seizin"
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@Flattliner: I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.
@pplwtching: Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
@weinerdog4life: I'm just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no