Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time