Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
You Might Also Like
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does