Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
#Caturday
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My blood type is b hungry.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
nobody’s gonna understand
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.