[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
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I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*