Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Hell yeah 👍
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.