Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
even bears disappoint their mothers
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
This was my dad’s browser history.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Twitter remains undefeated
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?