@better_off_dad: *looks up at lightbulb ‘Stupid moth’ *looks back at phone

@VN_Ruben: apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.

@thatUPSdude: I don't mind your bad kids running around if you don't mind me tripping them.

@liv_thatsme: “Any plans this weekend?” Me: Just some baby seal clubbing. “YOU’RE A MONSTER!” Me: (later that night, having a warm cocoa with some conservationists at the Baby Seal Club) I don’t know why everyone at work hates me.

@daemonic3: I'm playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.