@djr_102: Christianity is the ultimate daddy issue.
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@Jen_says_nah: Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
@JohnHilsen: If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you'll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange. *only works at Home Depot
@papasuncle: My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.