[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me when the borders lift
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I’m sure it’s fine.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.