[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I have two kinds of followers
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber