@ChaoticBeny: Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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@mrjohndarby: [inventor of the snooze button] ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let's add something to make them useless
@therealeatwood: [Self-Checkout] ME: also I ate a donut in the store MACHINE: Place the item on the belt ME: I can’t because I ate it MACHINE: Place the
@Dishy2101: I used to think LOL meant lots of love. Oh! You're Aunt died? So sorry. LOL! Took me years to rebuild friendships.
@SteveSuckington: *bursts out of stable on a chihuahua* "Wait, if you're here then that means" *cut to a horse peeking it's head out of Paris Hiltons purse*