Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.