Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me