A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’m going to need a moment here.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.