DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
#Caturday
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
こいつ天才
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.