Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Social Media and Real life
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…