Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men