Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
one last job
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”