Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My purse is deeper than some people.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: