[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Bond. Trauma bond.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.