Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
You Might Also Like
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
The little toadstool has spoken.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.