Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You Might Also Like
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
the battle rages on
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away