So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
stand with me against insufficient seating
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas