Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now