[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
dutch so unserious
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more