[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50