Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper