Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I didn’t come here to be called names
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*