*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.