[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
finally
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.