[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.