[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
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Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
i think we should see other cousins
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make