*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
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Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Big Sex has us all fooled
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH