It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Knock Knock
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.