Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
do u think theres a butter planet?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.