Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“i miss shittin on people”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find