Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped