@chuck_facts: Chuck Norris tries this at home.
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@VenisVal: Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Me: It'll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait? Boss: Today!
@WhatsHerFace33: Friend - You smell nice, what's that perfume you're wearing? Me - Fear and fabric softener.
@brunopieroni: We shouldn't point out other people's grammar mistakes because one day it will be you're turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
@Dschnoeb: Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can't love me at my bad jokes, you don't deserve me at my cat photos.