*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Fluff me with a fork baby
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.