“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I have questions??
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus