Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.