I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*