Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up