church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Namaste
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Many hands make light work
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.