Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
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My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.