Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
felt that
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.