@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: Church is the worst book club ever. We've been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven't even read it
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@ArfMeasures: SON: Jake's dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World! ME: well, what if I did that? SON: omg you're the best! [Next week at Disney World] "Can't believe we're here!" ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
@MaraWritesStuff: Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge. I AM POWER. I AM RESILIENCE. I AM A BRA STRAP.
@ShittyComedian: I snorted enough cocaine last night to kill a horse, but in my defense that horse came out of nowhere.
@byrdie_num_num: Few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.