me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.