Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.