@Inconsteveable: Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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@iwearaonesie: If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing
@trojansauce: [me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation
@U_Want_Shum_M8: -hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! -oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
@KateWhineHall: Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.