@Inconsteveable: Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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@nbadag: "my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!" i'll be RIGHT back *ducks into phone booth* *pops head out 5 mins later* is he gone yet
@stephenjmolloy: Undertaker: "What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?" Wife: "Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one."
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out