@noog: Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It's called science. Maybe you'd know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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@david8hughes: "The toilet's blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-" [Bowser spits coffee] "Which plumber?"
@Jazzzzzmina: Thank God I wasn't on twitter when I was in college. It would've taken me 65 years to get my degree.
@Jake_Sniff: [girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my "secretly move in with her" plan
@KyleMcDowell86: [job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"