Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.