Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Me, in DM rooms…
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Rambo Rambow
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My dad teaching me to drive
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great