Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*