says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”